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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28691658">When Victory isn't Enough</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DasewigGewitter/pseuds/DasewigGewitter'>DasewigGewitter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Belonging, Betrayal, Choices, Drama &amp; Romance, Drunkenness, F/M, Friendship, Home, Jotenheim, Regrets</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2016-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2016-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:41:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,872</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28691658</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DasewigGewitter/pseuds/DasewigGewitter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>AU story where Loki has left Asgard to become King of Jotunheim. His friend, Lilith (who is also a Jotun like him) has been left behind on Asgard. She's asked by Odin and Thor to convince Loki to call off his declaration of war, and faces quite a challenge when she arrives in Jotunheim to face the man she has come to love.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>When Victory isn't Enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A point of clarification on the story framework and format: The primary storyteller (this tends to be the character who narrates a majority of the story) is written in 1st Person perspective.  All other characters acting as storytellers are written in 3rd Person.  It's a format that I'm borrowing from the fantasy author Juliet McKenna.  She used it in her "Tales of Einarinn" series.  This story framework is not intended to be classified as an 'x Reader'/'Reader-insert' story.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                The summer sun warmed the air, perfumed by blooming irises in their well-tended garden beds.  Every now and then, a gentle breeze would waft through, stirring them to bob and dance.  As for me, I sat under the dappled shade of a young birch tree, reading happily.  Even if I’d read it well over a dozen- or even a hundred- times already.  Not surprising, since my best friend had given it to me before he fled Asgard.</p><p>                <em>Would that we’d been more than friends</em>, I added with a wistful sigh.</p><p>                Absolutely futile.  Even if he <em>hadn’t</em> gone to Jotunheim, I knew he never saw me that way.  So I’d keep those thoughts secret and be content with how things were now.  Although, it was difficult to be even friends, what with his ascent to the throne of Jotunheim more than six months ago.  Even with the rebuilding of the Bifrost, I recalled all too well how long it had been since I’d last seen him.</p><p>                In the midst of those thoughts, I heard a voice calling out my name.</p><p>                “Lilith!”</p><p>                I closed the book and lifted my gaze to see Thor hurrying over the garden pathway.  The Thunder god looked very distressed.  Unusual to see him without his customary grin.  So whatever he wanted, it must be important.  I got to my feet just as he reached my side, brushing the dirt from my clothes.</p><p>                “Thor?  Is something the matter?”</p><p>                “It’s Loki,” he announced with dire inflection.</p><p>                My heart leapt into my throat, making it almost impossible to ask, “What about him?”</p><p>                “He’s declared <em>war</em> against Asgard!”</p><p>                A conflicting mix of emotions washed over me.  Relief that Loki wasn’t in danger, which had been my initial fear; apprehension that he’d turned a military eye towards Asgard.  Thor was looking at me expectantly, and I found myself feeling somewhat irritated.  I picked up my book and started walking away.<br/>
                “What do you want from <em>me</em>, then?  You think I can just swan off to Jotunheim and make him change his mind?”<br/>
                “Yes.”</p><p>                My footsteps stopped short and I turned back to him with an incredulous look.</p><p>                “You have <em>got</em> to be kidding.”</p><p>                “Not at all.  Just hear me out, okay?”</p><p>                “No,” I started moving again.  “You’re crazy, Thor.”</p><p>                “I’m not, honestly.  Look, he only ever listened to you and Mother.”</p><p>                “Yeah, but…”</p><p>                “Obviously Frigga can’t go.  Asgard needs her here.  But you- Lilith, <em>you</em> could go.  You <em>must</em> go.  Just talk to him.”</p><p>                “But…” I tried again, only to have my protest lost as Thor pressed his point.</p><p>                “We’re still trying to recover from the last battle for peace between the realms.  If Loki starts up this new campaign, we won’t have enough to fight back.  It’ll bring disaster upon Asgard.  Or worse- upon <em>every</em> realm before this is over.”</p><p>                He was right, of course.  And no matter how daunted I felt about being asked to step up in this situation, I knew he was right about how far the ripples of this war might reach, too.  I sighed and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.<br/>
                “So what exactly are you asking me to do, then?”<br/>
                “Convince Loki that there’s no need for this war.  That Asgard and Jotunheim can coexist.  <em>Peacefully</em>.”</p><p>                “You realize the challenge there, right,” I pointed out with a sharp look.  “This is Loki we’re talking about.”</p><p>                “I know, I know.  But could you at least <em>try</em>?  Please, Lilith, that’s all we’re asking.”</p><p>                He sided up to me, ushering us out of the gardens and up towards the palace.  A moment or two passed while I debated his request.  Really, there was only one way to answer.</p><p>                “All right,” I agreed reluctantly.  “I can’t promise that he’ll listen to me, but I’ll give it a try.”</p>
<hr/><p>                The next day, I found myself in the audience hall of the palace.  Before me, the Allfather sat on his throne, flanked by Heimdall and Thor on either side.  A very brief meeting, all in all.  Odin’s instructions were clear- as were his expectations.  I had to get Loki to draw back his army to avert any chance of a war, and return to Asgard immediately after securing an agreement for peace.</p><p>                I was disappointed not to have leave to spend more time in Jotunheim, but tried not to show it.  Perhaps negotiations would be days enough to visit with my friend.  That was my hope, anyway, as the meeting concluded.<br/>
                “May the gods grant you good fortune, Lady Lilith,” Odin stated.  “For all our sakes.”</p><p>                “I will endeavor to do my best,” I assured him.</p><p>                “We have the utmost confidence in you.”</p><p>                A weak smile was all the reply I could give, not feeling quite as sure as the Allfather seemed to be.  But I tried to push the uneasiness aside during the walk from the palace to the Bifrost.  Heimdall strode next to me, equally silent.  When we arrived on the bridge, I stepped into place and awaited the moment when he would activate the portal between the realms.</p><p>                Not knowing where I might be set down again in Jotunheim, I wore a heavy cloak against the cold.  Wouldn’t do anyone any good if I froze to death before I could get to Utgard.  I slipped the hood over my head to protect me against the frigid air of that realm.  Asgard’s Watchman tipped a nod at me and I was hurtled through space with dizzying speed.  Seconds later, I landed again on frozen tundra.</p><p>                <em>The gods were kind</em>, I mused as I stared up at the walls surrounding Utgard.  <em>Heimdall outdid himself to spare me a long trek.  I’m sure the urgency of Odin’s request had something to do with that.</em></p><p>                Not really my concern.  Right now, I had much bigger problems.  My sudden arrival had been noticed by the Jotuns, and a group of armed guards advanced swiftly from the nearby gate to their stronghold.  Weapons drawn, naturally.  As I would have expected against any perceived threat from a potential enemy.</p><p>                My gaze fell upon one of them and I smiled to myself before letting the hood fall back so they could see my face.  Almost as soon as I had done so, they fell back and sheathed their weapons.  Surprised and speechless at first.  When it passed, the words I’d been expecting tumbled out in a rush.</p><p>                “Is it- no, it can’t be…Lilith?  But I had no idea that you’d- I mean, he never said.  No one said a word.”</p><p>                My smile broadened, amused by the haphazard jumble of fragmented sentences.  Not the most eloquent man, but I’d always found him endearing.  Finally, he got a grip on himself.</p><p>                “It’s been a long time, Cousin.  Too long.”</p><p>                It had been.  I covered the distance between us at a dead run, jumping up so I could hug him.<br/>
                “Cousin, it’s been a long time, indeed.  I’m glad to see you!”</p><p>                He set me down carefully.  I stood in their midst, dwarfed by their towering height.  I was Jotun like the rest of them, but had been born stunted in stature.  Most would have abandoned a child like that- or worse.  But my family didn’t.  They loved me in their own way, even though I was different from most of my kind.  As did my cousin, Josef.  His mother and mine were sisters.</p><p>                How did I end up in Asgard, then?  Simple.  Skrýmir suggested to my father long ago that I might make a good spy for Jotunheim.  I could pass for Asgardian, and could discern the Allfather’s plans to provide key information for the Jotuns of my homeland.  My father agreed- as did I.</p><p>                Why?  I was young and was seeking adventure, I suppose.  Working as a spy in Asgard sounded far more interesting than the life I might have at home.  A chance to see the place so reviled by my people.  Not to mention to feel important for a change- to the Jotuns beyond my family.  What else <em>would</em> I have chosen when given that opportunity?</p><p>                So they circulated a rumor that I was an Asgardian Lady, held captive in Jotunheim.  The ploy worked, and sure enough, Thor came to my ‘rescue’ in short order.  Skrýmir and the others put on a good show of trying to make it difficult for him to spirit me out of Jotunheim, but if they hadn’t wanted me in Asgard, he would not have succeeded.</p><p>                I found myself in Asgard, and under Loki’s immediate scrutiny.  My Jotun kin- not to mention Skrýmir- had warned me to keep clear of him.  They all feared he would see through the ruse, and weren’t sure how he might react to discovering who I truly was.  Would he help- or hinder?  To my relief, Loki chose the former, and never revealed who I was to Odin or any of the other Asgardians.</p><p>                I guess that’s how our friendship started.  And in the beginning, I had secretly hoped his attempts to overthrow Asgard would succeed- even helping him wherever I could at times.  Never once did he give me up whenever he was caught or defeated.  I fancied for a long time that he saw me as his secret weapon.</p><p>                But then things began to change as I grew older.  Saw more of the world and began to understand things that I couldn’t have known when I was first sent to Asgard.  For one, I missed Jotunheim.  Missed my family.  Spying had been fun for a while, but I wanted to return where I felt I belonged. </p><p>                I hadn’t understood in the early days that going back to Jotunheim was not an option anymore.  So when my request was denied, and I realized I could never go back, I’d cried for days.  Loki had been there for me- had understood the pain I felt.  To live in exile among the Asgardians.</p><p>                That didn’t necessarily mean that I felt the same way he did about how to deal with it, though.  Where Loki continued in his fight to conquer and subjugate the Asgardians, I began to see them for what they were.  I spent time with Frigga and Thor, and even with Odin.  I learned about their traditions, their history- everything I could in an effort to understand why the Jotuns hated them so.</p><p>                <em>Why </em>do<em> we hate them?</em> </p><p>                After years of studying them in close quarters, I admitted to myself that I understood the bitter antagonism even less than I did the day I first arrived.  Had, in fact, been relieved when a peace was broached between Asgard and Jotunheim last year.  Had hoped it heralded the end of the feud for good this time.  And maybe I could go home again.</p><p>                <em>This wasn’t exactly how I envisioned it, though.  Oh Loki, why did you have to do this?</em>  But home I was, and now I had a job to do.  Perhaps the most unlikely one that I could have imagined, and one I had a feeling might earn me some ill-will among my fellow Jotuns.  <em>And what of Loki?  What will </em>he<em> think when he finds out why I’m here?</em></p><p>                I worried about that, too, even as Josef tried to coax a laugh from me by fussing with my hair.  Batting his hand away to brush the tangled black curls from my face, I tried to scowl at him.  Didn’t faze him one bit.  By now, I’d dropped the Asgardian disguise in favor of the blue skin and red eyes of my people.  Such a relief to be myself again.  Among family.  I even managed to smile as we all headed inside Utgard.</p>
<hr/><p>                Josef took me up to the palace right away, leaving me to wait in a small receiving room while he sought out Loki.  All the while, I tried to ignore the butterflies in my stomach.  I must have sat there for hours before he came back with news that he was ready to see me.  Josef brought me to the throne room, where I entered alone.</p><p>                I wasn’t sure what I expected to see when I stepped inside, but Loki looked as he always did.  Well, slightly different now, since he was also in his Jotun form.  He was sitting on a dais, poring intently over a heavy scroll.  The contents must have been so engrossing that he hadn’t noticed my arrival yet.</p><p>                “It would seem rule over Jotunheim suits you,” I remarked good-naturedly as I approached the bottom stair of the dais.  “The great king of the Jotuns.”</p><p>                Loki glanced up from the parchment and smiled at me.  His hand drew back from the bottom of the page, causing it to roll up on itself.  He tied the scroll with a ribbon and stood, placing it carefully on the seat before descending the stairs.<br/>
                “Lilith!” he exclaimed warmly.  “What an unexpected surprise.  I missed you.”</p><p>                “Did you, now?  I can’t imagine you’ve had the time when you have a whole realm to keep in order.”</p><p>                “Nonsense,” he replied with a grin and then enfolded me into a brief embrace.  When he pulled away again, I saw a spark of worry in his eyes.  “I’m glad you’re here, but it’s not the best time for you to leave Asgard.  What made you come?”</p><p>                I took a deep breath, knowing that my answer was likely one that would not please him one bit.</p><p>                “Odin sent me.”</p><p>                Loki’s smile faded.  Rather, it changed- sharpened to a malevolent bow.  I knew his words would be far more cutting.  But for the moment, he merely turned his back to me.  The heavy silence was unbearable.</p><p>                “Please say something,” I appealed quietly.</p><p>                Still nothing.  When I tried to lay a hand on his arm, Loki shrugged it off.  He climbed the stairs to sit on his throne again.  I felt very small and very vulnerable beneath the impassive stare he leveled at me.  In that moment, I saw no trace of my long-time friend in Loki’s expression.  Only a stranger.  And a hostile one, at that.<br/>
                “I might have known.  You’re nothing more than the Allfather’s messenger,” Loki stated venomously.  “A pawn he hopes to use in his favor.  And you <em>let</em> him use you.  How you disappoint me, Lilith.”</p><p>                Oh the cruelty embedded in those words he flung at me.  I willed myself not to cry, though it was difficult.  Instead, I cleared my throat and tried to defend myself as best I could.</p><p>                “I’m <em>not</em> his pawn.  I came here because I wanted to prevent this war before it…”</p><p>                “<em>Traitor.</em>”</p><p>                That one accusation, delivered in a tone that bespoke such hatred, was nearly my undoing.</p><p>                “I’m not- I swear I’m not!  Loki, please, just listen to me and you’ll know I’m no…” I couldn’t make myself say the word aloud.  “I’m not what you think.”</p><p>                He crossed his arms and shrugged indifferently.</p><p>                “Regale me, then.  Tell me how you’re no traitor when you come here to plead the case of the enemy.  <em>Your</em> enemy, I might remind you.  Or have the years in Asgard made you forget whose side you’re on- that Jotun blood runs in your veins?”</p><p>                “I <em>am</em> thinking of Jotunheim.”</p><p>                “You have a strange way of showing it.”</p><p>                “What do we stand to gain by attacking Asgard?”</p><p>                “Everything.  We’ll finally take what’s ours.”</p><p>                “But it’s <em>not</em> ours.  We have no claim or right to own Asgard any more than they have the right to claim the lands of Jotunheim.”</p><p>                “And yet they tried to do just that.”</p><p>                “So shouldn’t we strive to be better- show them that we’re above the wrongs <em>they</em> instigated?  Think of it.  We could be the first to step forward.  Trade and cooperation.”</p><p>                “Cooperation,” he sneered derisively.  “With the enemy.  They won’t ever honor any bargain with us.”</p><p>                “But isn’t it worth trying?  If it comes to war, then so be it.  I am just asking that you consider an alternative before taking that route.”</p><p>                “You would have me hesitate when I could crush them now.  Don’t pretend I don’t know that the Asgardian army is weakened, and that’s why Odin sent you here.  He offers this false peace to keep my army at bay until he’s ready to fight.  No, Lilith, I don’t intend to delay long enough to give him the advantage.  I will strike now, when I am sure to see victory.”</p><p>                “Victory at what cost?  Think of the-”</p><p>                “How <em>dare</em> you!”  His voice shook with rage as he cut off my protest.  “I’ve heard enough.”</p><p>                “But, Loki-”<br/>
                “<em>King</em>.  Lest you forget <em>that</em> as well.”</p><p>                I swallowed the hurt at his rebuke, and tried again.</p><p>                “I only wanted to-”</p><p>                “What would I care what a traitor wants,” Loki interrupted me as he stood and called loudly.  “Guards!”</p><p>                “L—” His name caught in the back of my throat.  “My King, please.  If you’ll only listen…”</p><p>                Two guards materialized on either side of me, each one clamping my upper arms tightly in their grip.  They stood ready for his next command.  Loki stared at me for a long time.  So long that I dared not hope he might reconsider whatever he was planning to do.  But his pride wouldn’t let him, and even though I swore I caught a glimpse of pain flicker in the depths of his eyes, he gave the order.</p><p>                “This miscreant is an agent of the enemy and is to be treated as a prisoner of war.  Take her to the dungeons.”<br/>
                Neither guard hesitated to obey him, shackling my wrists in manacles before I had fully processed what just happened.  Once I did, I reacted without thought for dignity or anything save the hope that maybe I could get through to him before it was too late.  I struggled against my captors, who were forced to drag me away.</p><p>                I screamed Loki’s name as they hauled me out of his sight, nearly blinded by tears when he turned his back on me.</p>
<hr/><p>                Lilith’s desperate screams rang in Loki’s ears long after the doors slammed shut.  Calling out for him.  He admonished himself for the sliver of doubt that threatened to undermine his decision.</p><p>                <em>She’s a traitor to you- to all of Jotunheim- and deserves the fate owed to someone who betrays her people.  Anyone else would have been executed on the spot for such treason.</em></p><p>                But even that reminder did not quell the pain of ordering her imprisonment.  Why was it despite the fact that <em>she’d</em> come to Utgard on behalf of his enemies, she’d made him feel like <em>he’d</em> betrayed her somehow?  A low snarl rumbled in his throat, and he paced the raised dais in agitation.  Just then, the doors reopened, followed by the sounds of hurried footsteps.  Loki scowled as he watched Josef and several other men in his squadron cross the audience chamber.</p><p>                “My King,” the soldier addressed him with a bow of obeisance.  “I just saw…my cousin.  Whatever has she done?”</p><p>                “Your <em>cousin</em> is a traitor.”</p><p>                Murmurs from the group, but Josef protested the loudest.</p><p>                “Lilith!?  A traitor?  That cannot be!”</p><p>                “I assure you she most certainly is.  She came here with the designs of treating on behalf of our enemy.  Insisting that Jotunheim abandon its opportunity to seize Asgard once and for all.  Citing an alliance as the better option.”</p><p>                Shocked dismay flickered in the man’s eyes.  Genuine, so he must not have known the true purpose behind Lilith’s visit when he brought her here.  Probably should throw him in the dungeon as well to make a point, but Loki saw no point in wasting a man he would need in the coming war against Asgard.  Besides, one high-risk assignment would see an end to him just as easily.</p><p>                “Well, have you nothing to say?”</p><p>                “I apologize, my King, but surely she….”</p><p>                “A traitor is a traitor, and will remain in the dungeons.  Be grateful that I granted your cousin that much leniency.”</p><p>                “Yes, of course.  I do thank you for showing her mercy.”</p><p>                He didn’t <em>sound</em> thankful.  And the other men with him almost looked downright recalcitrant.  Loki couldn’t have dissension among the men under his command, and decided to ferret out the source of it right now before it spread further.</p><p>                “You have a different opinion on the subject?  By all means, speak it so that I may know your true thoughts on the subject.”</p><p>                Naturally, each one of them sensed the trap behind the offer.  The wrong words would equate to a death sentence- or even the right ones.  Josef glanced at the other Jotun warriors to his left and right.  They nodded agreement, so he let out a breath, and then returned his gaze directly to Loki.</p><p>                “Maybe Lilith’s right, my King.  Maybe a war on Asgard isn’t what’s best for Jotunheim.”</p><p>                He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  They actually wanted to let Asgard wriggle out of their grasp.  After all they’d suffered at the Allfather’s hands.  This was supposed to be their moment to finally gain control.  To show Odin what the Jotuns could do.  Incensed, Loki knocked over the stand next to his throne, causing it to tumble down the stairs with a horrendous crash.  None of the men so much as flinched, which only increased his rage.</p><p>                “Are you all addled with a brain fever!?  Asgard is weak, and now’s the time to lay claim to it before Odin has the chance to recover!  We can crush them once and for all!  Take it for ourselves!”</p><p>                “To do what, exactly,” Josef countered forcibly.  “I don’t want to live in Asgard.  My family doesn’t want to live there, either.  None of the men in my command want to trade their homes in Jotunheim for Asgard.  So who would we be taking it for?”</p><p>                “If the Asgardians want to broker a peace, why go to war over a land none of us want?”  That from another in the group.  “We only fought to keep them out of Jotunheim in the first place.”</p><p>                “Naïve fools- all of you,” Loki railed at them.  “Odin will never settle for peace.”</p><p>                “Six months so far without so much as a hostile word from Asgard,” Josef pointed out.  “How long has it been since we’ve seen such a span of peace between the realms?”</p><p>                “Only because his armies were decimated in the last battle.  Mark my words, the second he can attack, he will!”</p><p>                They merely stared at him, wholly unconvinced.  These were supposed to be <em>his</em> subjects.  Loki was their undisputed King- the one who would lead them to glorious victory.  And now the miserable wretches were telling him they didn’t want it?  The Hel they were.</p><p>                “I see I’ll have to make an example of you all, or else these treasonous notions will infect the whole army.”</p><p>                Even that threat seemed to have no effect.  If anything, their expressions were more resolute.  An alarming suspicion came to mind.  <em>What if this isn’t the misguided folly of just a few men- could it be that they’re </em>all<em> thinking this madness and these are just the ones who’ve come forward to say it?</em>  If even a tenth of his army shared this delusion, Loki knew going to war might incite rebellion within his own borders.</p><p>                He had to think.  Had to develop some kind of plan before everything spun out of control.  But not here.  Not with these men underfoot watching his every thought.  So Loki ordered them out of his sight.</p><p>                “Get out!  Take your weak-minded prattle out of my throne room and go!”</p><p>                “As you command, my King,” Josef replied with another bow.  Loki couldn’t help sensing that this time it was far from respectful.  “Shall we report to the guards to be escorted to the dungeons?”</p><p>                <em>Oh how I wish.</em>  He couldn’t imprison them.  Not yet, anyway.  That would inspire too many questions and possibly precipitate the uprising he was trying to avoid.</p><p>                “<em>GET OUT!”</em></p><p>                They obeyed with alacrity, and Loki was alone once more.  He flung himself onto his throne to brood sullenly.</p>
<hr/><p>                “Got a new prisoner for you, Ivar.”</p><p>                The Jotun standing watch at the entrance to the dungeons slid a quick glance over me, obviously unimpressed.</p><p>                “Seems too small to be trouble enough to put in here.  What’d she do, anyway?”</p><p>                “This one’s a traitor- by decree of the King himself.”</p><p>                “A traitor, eh?”  I tried not to tremble in fear as he glowered at me menacingly.  “I know just the cell for her, then.”</p><p>                My captors from the throne room released me with a rough shove.  I tripped and nearly stumbled into Ivar, but he stepped aside at the last moment so that I fell to my knees instead.  The jarring impact sent a starburst of pain through my body.  That still hurt less than Loki’s accusations.  And then hands yanked at the manacles, wrenching my shoulders as I was hoisted to my feet again.</p><p>                “Come with me, <em>traitor</em>.”</p><p>                None too gently, Ivar hauled me down a dank corridor of cramped cells.  As we passed, I was dimly aware of the calls of the condemned.  He yanked open a cell door and thrust me inside.  I had barely enough time to turn around before the iron bars slammed shut again.<em>  Now that’s me</em>, I thought in despair. </p><p>                The guard stalked away without a backward glance, leaving me shivering and miserable.  My wrists were still shackled together.  The rough irons chaffed the skin as I sank to the chilled stone floor.  Feeling more alone than I’d ever felt in my life, I curled in on myself and wept bitterly.</p><p>                Hours passed; I hardly marked any of them, too consumed by my grief to care.  At some point, a tray of unappetizing food slid under the cell door with a loud scrape.  Its bearer never said a word, and left.  I had no interest in eating, and stayed where I was.  Scurrying noises told me that the rodents inhabiting these subterranean warrens wouldn’t let it go to waste.</p><p>                I could only remember the events of the throne room with Loki.  If only I could have made him listen to me.  So many would die if he declared war on Asgard- on both sides.  Why couldn’t he see that this offensive move wouldn’t bring him the victory he wanted?  But he was determined to let his hatred for the Asgardians- especially Odin- blind him to a future of peace between the realms.</p><p>                But even if he hadn’t changed his mind about the war, I had been shocked when Loki went so far as to declare me a traitor.  How could he have done such a thing?  We were friends- so close for most of my life.  Been through so much together.  Didn’t he know me at all?</p><p>                <em>Loki, why?  I would have done anything for my people.  For the good of Jotunheim.  For you.</em></p><p>                As the day passed slowly, my despair only deepened.  I paid no attention to the taunting guards who hurled insults at me from the other side of my cell bars, or the shouts of my fellow inmates.  Nothing but an indistinct blur of sounds at the very edge of my conscious mind.  And so many of them gave up their game, leaving me in peace as night fell over the icy realm of Jotunheim.</p><p>                The first of interminable days I expected to spend in this dungeon.  A lifetime.  For I knew Loki all too well, and he would never rescind his order.  I would live- and die- in this cell, branded a traitor.  No hope of clearing my name.  With a sigh, I drew my legs up closer, and wondered how Loki would pass the night.  Would he spare any regret for the schism that ripped our friendship apart?</p>
<hr/><p>                Two weeks had passed since he’d last seen Lilith.  Two weeks since she’d arrived from Asgard with talk of peace between the realms.  Since Loki had accused her of treason against Jotunheim for even <em>suggesting</em> that he reconsider a war against Odin.  Since he ordered she be imprisoned in the palace dungeons as she’d screamed out his name.</p><p>                Those first few days, he’d been too livid at the thought that Odin was using her towards his own end to contemplate anything she’d said with a rational mind.  Even the concerns of his most trusted commanders had fallen upon deaf ears as he’d raged against Asgard.  Loki had been so sure that the whole world had turned on him just when he was finally within reach of what he had always wanted.</p><p>                But as the days passed with their agonizing slowness, the mental fog began to clear.  Loki met with his commanders again, and spent hours alone in his study reviewing the facts on both sides.  The picture had become very clear: neither the Asgardians nor the Jotuns wanted this war.  Lilith’s words-and those of her cousin- who was he waging it for?</p><p>                Loki was forced to admit that if he went forward with this attack on Asgard, he would be serving only himself and not the people he agreed to rule.  He’d let his personal quarrel with Odin maneuver him into declaring a war that his people would pay for in their blood.  Regardless of victory or defeat- either way he would lose in the end.  Just as Lilith had tried to tell him he would. </p><p>                But he hadn’t listened to her.  Had chosen to sever the bond between them rather than consider that he might have been wrong.  Called her a traitor.  Loki closed his eyes against the memory of Lilith’s hurt disbelief at the accusation.  After two weeks in a cell, that disbelief would have long faded.   No doubt she was convinced that he meant every insult he’d slung at her during that terrible argument.  She must truly hate him by now.</p><p>                <em>What have I done?</em></p><p>                Wracked with guilt and self-loathing, Loki sequestered himself in his chambers.  Mid-afternoon, he penned messages to all his commanders, telling them to stand down the army.  Once he’d seen to that, he left strict orders with his personal guards that he was not to be disturbed.  For any reason.  He stressed that emphatically.  They eyed him warily, but obeyed.</p><p>                Alone and miserable, Loki selected a bottle of mead from his private collection.  He wasn’t a man prone to drink to excess- that had been more Thor’s style- but today he wanted to numb the pain as quickly as possible.  Try to forget how he’d only just realized what he truly wanted after it was too late.  Loki broke the seal and poured a good measure of it down his throat.</p><p>                That bottle was soon gone; another took its place.  And then another.  The pain did not lessen- had in fact, intensified almost beyond what he could bear.  Loki tried to purge it, raining destruction on the furnishings of his chamber.  Books and sheaves of paper were flung violently to the floor; clothes ripped from their hangers and strewn everywhere.  The great beveled mirror standing next to his wardrobe took the brunt of it, shattering into a thousand pieces after being struck over and over again with his fists.</p><p>                The havoc must have alarmed someone, and the door to the hallway opened just a sliver.  Loki glared blearily at the face peering through the crack, and the would-be intruder jumped back in fear.  The door pulled closed swiftly.  Good.  He had no need for anyone’s interference, and continued on.</p><p>                The reprieve did not last long.  The door reopened less than a half hour later, bringing Josef into the room.  By then, the mead had wreaked its own brand of havoc.  Loki could hardly stand, much less walk.  The Jotun surveyed the room- and him- before offering any comment.</p><p>                “My King, what happened here?”</p><p>                “What’s it look like?”</p><p>                “It looks like ungodly chaos.”</p><p>                Now Loki cast an unsteady look around him, raised his current bottle of mead to his lips and shrugged.  Josef narrowed his eyes at him.</p><p>                “You’re <em>drunk</em>.”</p><p>                “Very.”</p><p>                “You’re <em>never</em> drunk, my King.  Not ever have I seen you like this.”</p><p>                “Never needed to be before.”</p><p>                “So why are you doing this now?”</p><p>                “Why?”  He attempted to stand, slumped clumsily back to the floor and answered with a sharp-edged laugh, “You know why.”</p><p>                “My King, I-”</p><p>                “She came here to <em>help</em>- and I wouldn’t let her.  I called her a <em>traitor</em>.  Locked her up for telling me the truth when I wanted to believe a lie.”</p><p>                “Lilith.  You’re talking about Lilith.”</p><p>                “She was my friend.  My-” even drunk, he didn’t have the courage to finish that thought aloud.  “And I threw all of it away.  For <em>nothing</em>.”</p><p>                “My King-”</p><p>                “Fuck.  Stop calling me that.”  Loki threw the now empty bottle across the room, where it smashed solidly against the wall.  “Do I look like a damn King to you?”</p><p>                Josef regarded him in stunned silence for several seconds, cleared his throat, and then continued.</p><p>                “It’s not too late, Loki.  You could clear her name and bring her back from the dungeons.”</p><p>                “Of course I could- and intended to do just that.  But you’re wrong.  It <em>is</em> too late.  She hates me now.”</p><p>                “My cousin doesn’t hate you.”</p><p>                “No?  You know what she thinks, do you?  You didn’t see the look on her face when I ordered her imprisonment.  You haven’t spent two weeks in the festering pits beneath the palace like she has.  I tell you, Josef- she hates me now.  And I don’t blame her.”</p><p>                “I see.”  The Jotun warrior folded his arms across his chest.  “There’s no sense talking to you when you’re like this, so I won’t waste my time.”</p><p>                “A fabulous decision.  Just leave me be.”</p><p>                “All right, I’ll go.  But before I do- was that an official decree to have Lilith released?”</p><p>                “Yes,” Loki murmured as he reached for another bottle of mead.  “Tell them to let her go.  Back to Asgard, if that’s what she wants.  Anywhere at all.”</p><p>                With that, Josef turned on his heel and left.  Leaving him half-hoping that Lilith would take her freedom and escape to Asgard.  Loki would never see her again, but at least it would spare him the weight of her hatred.  Maybe she’d learn to be happy there.</p><p>                <em>I’m sorry, Lilith.  So sorry.</em></p>
<hr/><p>                Voices again.  Outside my cell.  Angry ones.  I was used to those by now, and didn’t stir.  Probably couldn’t have, even if I had wanted to.  Lack of proper food and water had sapped some of my energy; the shattered remains of my broken heart stole the rest.</p><p>                Needless to say, I was shocked when the cell door opened to admit several anxious guards, all trying to prod and poke at me to bring me out of my lethargy.  What could they want with me now?</p><p>                “Go away!” I insisted weakly, trying to shake them off with little success.  “Leave me in peace!”</p><p>                “Cousin, be easy.  Don’t say such things, I beg you.”</p><p>                Josef?  What was he doing here?</p><p>                “You shouldn’t be here.  Please, Josef, just leave me alone.”</p><p>                “I’m taking you out of this dungeon.  Right now.”</p><p>                “You <em>can’t</em>.  He’ll brand you a traitor for helping me.”</p><p>                Those were the last words I remembered saying before the edges of my vision grew fuzzy and dark.  Shortly afterward, I must have lost consciousness.  When I awoke, I was in a bed- a large, comfortable one at that.  The dirt and grime of the dungeons had been scrubbed from my skin and I was attired in new clothes.  My eyes searched the room, landing squarely on my cousin, who sat in a chair nearby.</p><p>                “Lilith, you’re awake!  I was very worried.”</p><p>                “Oh Josef, what have you done,” I lamented with a sigh.  “Why did you risk so much to break me out of that cell?  Don’t you know what the King will do when he finds out?”</p><p>                “I was acting on his express orders, Cousin.”</p><p>                “I know but-” I stopped, mid-sentence once I realized what he’d just said.  “Wait, what?”</p><p>                “Your name’s been cleared.  It’s all been declared a misunderstanding.  He asked that I have you released from the dungeons as soon as possible.”</p><p>                I could hardly believe my ears.  Loki had changed his mind?  Impossible.  He <em>never</em> changed his mind.  About anything.  But Josef was so earnest that I could hardly believe otherwise.  So many questions, though.  I began with the easiest.</p><p>                “The war?  Is it…?”</p><p>                “He called it off, Lilith.  Just this afternoon.”</p><p>                My eyes closed in weary relief to hear that disaster had been averted.  Josef continued to explain the details about how it came about.  He spoke of Loki’s meetings with all of the Jotun commanders and how they’d convinced him that none of them wanted to invade Asgard.  I was surprised to hear that so many of them had come forward to speak against a war.  But perhaps they were just as tired of the constant fighting as the Asgardians were.  Whatever the reason, I was glad, none the less.</p><p>                “It’s the right decision,” I replied at last.  “For Jotunheim and Asgard.  I’m glad our King came to it before making a move that could not be undone.”</p><p>                We sat in silence for a while.  I found I couldn’t bring myself to ask what Loki had to say about me, or why he chose to release me from the dungeons.  Nor could I ask how he was doing after such an upset to his vision for both realms.  The right decision it might have been, but I was sure that having to back down was still hard for him. </p><p>                Just like I was sure he wasn’t going to want me to stay in Jotunheim.  Pardoned or not, I would only remind him of that disappointment.  Perhaps it would be best not to make him tell me to leave.  I pushed the blankets away and swung my legs over the edge of the bed.</p><p>                “What are you doing, Cousin?”</p><p>                “I should be going,” I answered with a shrug.  “Odin will want to hear that the threat of war has passed, so I might as well deliver it.”</p><p>                “You can’t mean to return to Asgard!”</p><p>                In the mirror, my eyes met his.  They were filled with dismay and something else I couldn’t quite read.  I grabbed a brush and ran it roughly through my hair.</p><p>                “I love you, Cousin, but there’s nothing left for me in Jotunheim.  Hasn’t been since I stepped foot in Asgard, really.  Might as well go back where I belong.”</p><p>                “Jotunheim is your home.  This <em>is</em> where you belong.”</p><p>                “It’s nice of you to say so, but I think we both know better.”</p><p>                I set the brush down again and rummaged through the wardrobe for a cloak heavy enough to see me far enough to reach the Bifrost.  Just as I thought I’d found one that might do, Josef came up beside me.  He laid a hand on my forearm.</p><p>                “Do you really think that, or are you just leaving because you hate him?”</p><p>                “I…no, I don’t.”</p><p>                “You can tell me the truth, Lilith.”</p><p>                “I don’t.”</p><p>                And I didn’t.  I could never hate Loki, despite the things he’d accused me of in the throne room.  But the wounds still hurt, and perhaps by leaving I was trying to run from the ache in my chest when I thought about him.</p><p>                “Lilith…”</p><p>                “Really, I don’t.  He did what he thought was right.”</p><p>                Another round of silence.  I closed the wardrobe and went searching for a pair of warm socks.  Somewhere around the second drawer, Josef spoke.</p><p>                “Loki needs you, Lilith.”</p><p>                “He doesn’t <em>need</em> anyone- certainly not me.”</p><p>                “Will you at least go see him before you leave for Asgard?”</p><p>                “I really don’t think that’s a good idea…”</p><p>                “Please?”</p><p>                I grasped the edge of the drawer with both hands and sighed reluctantly.  The tone in his voice reminded me of Thor’s when he’d asked me to make this trip in the first place.  And just as I had then, I knew my answer this time would be no different.  Even though seeing Loki would only tear me in two.</p><p>                “All right.  I’ll go.”</p><p>                “Now?”</p><p>                Taken aback by the urgency in Josef’s voice, I wondered why he was so keen for me to see Loki so quickly.  But if I went now, I could get it over with and leave for Asgard all the sooner.  I straightened my shoulders and nodded.  My cousin took my hand and led me through the corridors to a door not far from the room where I’d awoken.  He gestured that I should open it.</p><p>                “He’s inside.”</p><p>                “Aren’t…” I paused.  “Aren’t you coming with me?”</p><p>                “No, Cousin.  But I promise you’ll be fine.”</p><p>                With that, he turned and walked away.  For a long time, I stood with my hand on the door handle.  Could I really bring myself to go in?  Letting out a deep breath, I decided I could and pushed it open.  Edging around the door, I stepped into the room.  What I saw shocked me.</p><p>                <em>Gods, what happened in here?</em></p><p>                Debris littered the floor- books, papers, clothes…broken glass.  And while I saw several empty bottles lying amid the mess, I saw no sign of Loki anywhere.  Very carefully, I picked my way across the room, wondering just where he might be.  A faint moan from the direction of the adjoining bathroom drew my attention.</p><p>                When I peered inside, Loki sprawled out on the marble tiles, clutching his head with one hand as the other lie outstretched in a shallow pool of blood.  Shards of glass were embedded in the knuckles.  I gasped in horrified surprise, rushing to his side without a thought.</p><p>                “Loki?  Loki what did you do to yourself?”</p><p>                He tried to sit up, but couldn’t quite manage it.  Was he…gods, in all the years I’d known him, I’d <em>never</em> seen Loki so intoxicated.  So utterly and completely out of control.  I glanced up to the sink and spied a washcloth.</p><p>                “Don’t move,” I told him, getting back to my feet.</p><p>                Loki still hadn’t said anything as I ran the cloth under the hot water and wrung out the excess.  Almost eerily silent.  Turning the water off, I knelt down to get a closer look at his injured hand.  I recalled the empty wooden frame next to the wardrobe in the other room.  A mirror, I now realized.</p><p>                “Your hand…<em>why</em>, why would you…”</p><p>                “It’s nothing,” he lied with a wince.</p><p>                “Nothing?  That’s <em>glass</em>.  In your hand.”</p><p>                I reached for it, but Loki pulled away.  The pain I saw in his eyes had little to do with the physical injury.  He tried to speak several times before the words finally came forth- albeit somewhat haltingly.</p><p>                “How…how can you…” Loki let out a shuttering breath.  “After I called you a traitor…Lilith, you didn’t deserve any of what I said.  And then to send you to the dungeon…never should have done that."</p><p>                The depth of remorse in his voice staggered me.  Got me thinking that maybe Josef was right.  I wanted to show Loki I understood his reasons.</p><p>                “You thought Odin was playing you for a fool- and that I was helping him do it.”</p><p>                “I was thinking of <em>myself</em>, Lilith.  Just like when I declared war on Asgard.  I wasn’t thinking about what was best for Jotunheim- only about what <em>I</em> wanted.  Didn’t want to listen to anything anyone tried to tell me.  Not even you.”</p><p>                We sat in silence for a minute or two.  I shook my head with a wan smile.</p><p>                “Not at first, but Josef told me you changed your mind and recalled the army.”  I reached for his hand again.  “Now will you <em>please</em> let me tend to this before you get an infection?”</p><p>                Loki let me have my way, not in any condition to fight me, really.  As gently as I could, I extracted the bits of glass from the skin.  Once removed, the extent of the damage was made clear.  Several cuts continued to bleed sluggishly, even as I dabbed the washcloth over them.  If only I knew an incantation that might be useful, but I hadn’t ever studied healing magic. </p><p>                I found myself angry with myself- and with Loki for getting himself hurt in the first place.  He’d always had the most beautiful hands- so elegant and dexterous.  What if the injuries never healed right?</p><p>                “It’s a miracle you didn’t lacerate the tendons,” I muttered darkly without raising my eyes.</p><p>                “The hand will be fine.”</p><p>                “I should find something to bandage it…”</p><p>                As I tried to stand, Loki wrapped his other hand around my wrist and held me in place. </p><p>                “That can wait.”</p><p>                “Really, it’s no trouble.”</p><p>                “Lilith, please.  I fear if I don’t speak now, I may never do it.  And I couldn’t live with myself if I miss my chance to say this.”  My heart skipped a beat or two, and I dared not breathe.  He must have been unnerved by my silence.  “Lilith?”</p><p>                “Say what,” I managed to ask in a breathy whisper.</p><p>                Loki’s hand drifted up to my temple, encouraging me to tilt my gaze up to meet his eyes.  I didn’t need audible words to know the answer to my question; it was written plainly in their depths.</p><p>                “I love you, Lilith.  I have loved you almost since the day I first saw you in Asgard.  When I left for Jotunheim, I knew it had been a mistake not to ask you to come with me.  So I’m asking now- even after the horrible things I’ve done and knowing that I don’t deserve your forgiveness- asking you to stay.  Will you say yes, Lilith?  Will you rule Jotunheim with me as my Queen?”</p><p>                “Oh Loki, of course I will!”</p><p>                “Truly?”</p><p>                I threw my arms around him and confessed, “I’ve loved you for so long.  So many times after you left Asgard, I thought would leave, too.  But then I thought if we were just friends, maybe I should stay in Asgard- that I’d be better use to you there instead of in Jotunheim…”</p><p>                Now I found myself enfolded in his embrace, pulled close against him so that our noses were a scant inch apart.</p><p>                “Lilith,” he murmured softly.  “How could I have been so blind this whole time?”</p><p>                Loki leaned forward and our lips met.  His brushed over mine gently; I answered their caress with a hunger for more, which was all the invitation he needed.  The kiss ignited, assailing my senses with fiery tremors of our shared passion.  I wanted it to go on forever.</p><p>                “Hhh-hem,” a voice interrupted from behind me.</p><p>                We broke apart, startled, and I glanced over my shoulder to see Josef standing in the doorway.  His expression was one of bemusement, but didn’t dare comment on what he’d just witnessed.  Instead, he offered a polite bow.</p><p>                “My apologies for the intrusion, but we received an urgent communication from Asgard.  It’s from the Allfather.”</p><p>                Loki sighed in my ear and queried irritably, “Well, what’s he want?”</p><p>                “He asks when the Lady Lilith will be returning home.”</p><p>                Without waiting for either of them to speak, I gave my answer.</p><p>                “You can tell Odin I <em>am</em> home.”</p>
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